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Captain’s Log 12/03/2012

It’s been a while. I don’t know life is pretty much on a constant flow of ‘faff around for four days of the week then work and complain about work for three of them’. The only really eventful things occuring are the interview I have at the end of the month (28th) which is somewhat stressful because it’s a mahts & english test along with a group discussion andthenthe interview, but what can you do?

I’m happy, but I feel like I’m killing time waiting to go to Mexico in June and waiting to start this Midwifery course in September (if I get in O_O). I also have paying off my holiday (£1200 left of which I only have £600 oops) hanging over my head (it didn’t help my bf’s bday was on the 10th so I bought him a £300 watch). I think when I have finally paid it all off a nice shopping trip is in order - though I still have £2200 sitting in my bank from student finance and I’m so close to saying fuck it and just spending it all. I could just work more days, but I get so tired and grumpy. Argh how am I gonna cope with such a full week when this course starts?

But really these are silly problems. I have so much stuff my room is in a constant tip I don’tneedmore clothes and shiny things to play with.

Life is kinda scary sometimes. I am so in love and I’m afraid it will fall away when I’m not looking. We have been going out nine months now and that’s not really a very long time. I’ve never felt like this about anyone in the world, but I am only 20. Leigh is everything to me, he’s my best friend and someone to look after and someone who looks after me. We like the same things and he thinks I’m cute for some unthathomable reason. And he is so gorgeous and sweet and kind and I don’t think you could ask for a better man. But there is this deep rooted fear in the back of my mind that I have it all wrong - that I’ve got it wrong before. He talks to me about getting married and having babies and I know that’s all I really want too, but I pretend I’m too young to even think about it. But I do think about it a lot, all I want is a life with him… I even know what song I would like to play at our wedding.

I don’t know if this bliss I exist in with him can last. I don’t know if it’s possible for two people to love each other forever. And at the same time I’m still caught in this weird space between teenagerdom and adulthood trying to decide who I am and what I want to be… I might just slip into working life like everyone else and have a baby and never do anything radical - that’s probably what will happen. But I suppose we’ll wait and see, I’m kinda starting to think that that might just be the best thing ever.

Captain’s Log 30/01/12

It’s been just under two weeks since my last blog I believe. I’m particularly happy today. It’s been a very ordinary day; woke up, sent boyfriend off to work, interneted, tidied, ate soup, napped, washed my hair… But I feel almost euphoric. True the end of the day has been the most rewarding; my boyfriend coming to pick me up and take me back to his - my mentioning how happy I was as we drove out of Marlow past the church, which seemed to stand taller than normal, with the street lamps throwing shadows up to the very tip. Everything was so perfect right at that moment. Being with him… feeling fresh and alive with a cool breeze blowing from the ac and a boystrous love song in the background.

Then he decides to make my day even more perfect by telling me he has a present for me in the bag at my feet. I already knew what it was because I had dragged him into gamestation only yesturday, snatched a box and run to the counter only to find it was sold out and act all distraught at the cashier. He found it cheaper in Tescos anyway. I cannot believe how special he makes me feel. I know the latest zombie game (Revelations w00t) might not exactly show every girl that a guy loves her, but I had to kiss him so many times (whilst he was driving) just because he does the nicest things for me. I really don’t think I deserve it a lot of the time. I’m worried one day he’ll realise he’s wasting his money on me. I have to do something special for him now (even though it’s valentines day soon and his birthday in March). He always does this, gives me presents for no occasion and no reason apart from that he loves me, I wish he would mention the things he wants more often.

When we got back to his we went straight out for food. Funnily enough the craving for burgers got the better of us and we wound up at McDonald’s (chicken legend with bacon!) Despite the lack of romance associated with fast food I was still in this odd blanket of euphoria. He was hugging me whilst we were ordering and the cashier was so nice and friendly - seems all the crazy people come in on Sunday night though because the couple behind us were kissing at the counter xD Then we walked back home and I’ve played about 3 chapters of Resi. There’s a lot of stuff to say there, but I think that’s for another post.

Now I really can’t explain why I feel like this, maybe I should just accept that my life isn’t so terrible that I should feel like shit all the time, maybe it’s because I’ve been working not to mention a hormonal, period induced, wreck the past few days and having a day off is amazing, or even the handful of vitamins I’ve been taking. Or perhaps it’s just because I’ve found my place in the world. Some little niche where I’m cosy and safe with him. I know in day or so I’ll be a grumpy bitch again, but for now life is sweet.

(Also we booked a holiday to Cancun Mexico for June which I am so bloody excited for!! 5 friggin star, white sandy beaches and to top it all off Vodka on tap in the room!! oh god I’m gonna get smashed I need about a beer and a half to be drunk @_@)

My webly to-do list:

• Try and make a site again or a page or two for tumblr with a cool layout
• 365 day project! Must remember to take a pic EVERY day!!
• try and finish Amber’s Qs for that meme because I’m writing a whole friggin essay >__<

Right signing off now I guess I hope everyone is having as good a day as I am. OMG what is with the happys I don’t even-

Captain’s Log 17/01/2012

This is an attempt to blog more. Because sadly this is the only blog I have left and I need somewhere to write things down right now - at the boyfriend’s abode so not a pen and paper in sight.

The latest updated in life, asides from being 20 and six says old is that I have left my first year of Uni doing an English degree and have sent my UCAS application off to become a midwife. It’s very scary. I’m wasting another year (by the time I start my course most of the people my age will be beginning their final year) and what if I don’t like this course either? It’s very irritating, I have this massive urge to leave home - well that’s not quite true - I have this desire to move in with my boyfriend somewhere of our own. I want to be with him in our own little world where we don’t have to worry about my sister getting pissed off or his mother being annoyed by my use of the car-parking permits. And also, maybe, I just want to stake my claim a little. I want our relationship to move that step further, but it can’t whilst I have no income and that knowledge is maddening.

It doesn’t help that he’s already 28, 29 in March, and I am 20 with at least 3 years until I have a proper salary. Can I stand this existence for three more years? Basically I’ll probably be 24 when I have my first *proper* job and that would make him 32. Ugh I love him to bits but I’m conscious how much he wants children. Of course he’s sensible like anyone who has been in a relationship for seven months we have moments of second-guessing (hell I my last relationship was two years and what a pile of shit that was), but I think… I think if I suddenly turned to him serious about our future and marriage and children (because I always pretend like those prospects scare me) he wouldn’t say no. He looks at babies and points them out, we talk about our children like they will someday exist.

Are these just the thoughts or star-crossed lovers? Are we doomed like everyone else who thought they could never be more in love? I have never felt this way about anyone else in the world, but that doesn’t mean I can’t see the margin for error. There are times when he winds me up, when I let my insecurities and jealousy get the better of me. When he acts too like my father, like other men and it frightens me.

Despite the age gap I know it is part of what makes us work. We meet somewhere in the middle. Very few men my age even want to think about marriage and babies and few women his age would be happy with a guy who lives with his mum, plays video games and watches star trek. Perhaps that’s why so many later relationships go wrong. Women seem to become awfully controlling when they get to 25 and up. I suppose if they don’t have a stable boyfriend their body-clocks overload and they try to force men to become the perfect man/husband. My boyfriend has said to me one of my best qualities is that I don’t ask him to change, stop gaming, stop indulging in fast food and porn and other adolescent things. But why would I ask him to stop when I can gladly join in? He seems to think I’m some rare species since I play games and want to watch Stargate with him. I suppose his generation is different, there aren’t as many female nerds who played pokemon as kids.

So what am I trying to say? Basically I have half a year to try and get my life in order. I’ve taken on extra hours at work to try and save some money. I am really looking forward to this course I admit. It’s 1/2 study 1/2 work experience so I’m hoping there won’t be all that freshers crap which put me off my first year at Uni. I want to learn and be stimulated and I can’t wait to begin and feel like I’m accomplishing something. I’m really hoping I can get a good student loan on the basis that I will move in with my boyfriend and therefore be able to claim that I am not living at home. But that’s all up in the air on the basis that his family open a Newbury store and I get into the course at Reading.

*le sigh* I’m just tired of being in the nest and yes it’s not so bad because it’s a comfy happy nest, but having my own home, with him, that would be the best thing in the world right now.